New beginnings necessitate rambling

I'm all settled in Hyde Park, and tomorrow I go back to LA for a week before coming back for Spring Quarter and (finally!) graduating. With a lot of help from my friends, I've really started to feel at home here, for the first time ever. It's true that the weather sucks, and sometimes when I walk by a homeless person arguing with himself, I still get scared, but this is the place where I am an independent, useful, productive member of society. This is the place where I can be proud of myself.

The last 10 days has made me realize that a lot of my previous dislike of Chicago was a product of me being mad at everything around me for making me feel guilty about being a bad/non student. When it comes down to it, the University of Chicago is a great school: there is a lot of hard work involved, but that's the only way you get smart; not everyone here is drop dead gorgeous, but I'd rather talk to a person than stare at one, anyway. The longer I am here, the more convinced I am that this is where I should be. Thursday night, a friend and I power-walked to her apartment after dinner. It was probably 10 degrees outside (without windchill), and despite the fact that it hurt my lungs and face to talk, I couldn't help telling her how great it was to be with people who can walk faster than some people can jog.

After a year in exile, it is such a relief to be with similar people doing similar things.

A lot of this week has been spent pondering, mostly because my mind wanders when I am reading course packets. One revelation has been about my relationship with my mom (yeah yeah, cliché). I'm starting to understand how intensely she cares, and has always cared, about every aspect of my life. Sometimes when the things she wants me to do are too hard and I am too lazy, I resent her for being nosy and annoying, but I've come to realize that at those times, the fault is mine. It is only after I started doing those hard things that I've appreciated how tiring it must be to push someone forward when that person doesn't want to go, how much dedication and willpower it must take to keep pushing when it's easier let that person fall and just get along. When I think about how long she's done this for me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and I hope that I can be capable of loving someone that much.

Some things, however, remain the same. I'm supposed to be studying for a class that I have to make up. It's taught by my (AMAZING!) ba advisor so I absolutely must-have to-WILL finish the work. Unfortunately, I've spent the night eating, blogging, and researching blogging (which basically consisted of reading my friend's blog). Oh well, guess I will be better tomorrow--at least I get points for being sober two Saturday nights in a row in Chicago!